Bryan Altman, CBS Local Sports

James Taylor’s Red Sox song “Angels of Fenway,” which was released yesterday, inspired me. It inspired me to find the absolute worst sports song ever written in a possibly misguided attempt to salvage the respect that I had for one of America’s greatest songwriters. I thought, ‘there has to be at least one song worse than Taylor’s “Angels of Fenway.’ Boy was I right. 

When I decided to embark on this journey I had absolutely no idea how many God-awful sports songs have been written within the last 30 years. Today, these songs are my gift to you. Here are the 10 worst sports songs ever written.  

10. “Angels of Fenway” – Boston Red Sox (James Taylor 2015)

This is unquestionably the closest thing to a “nice” sports song that I’ve ever heard. I think the biggest takeaway from this song should be that nobody should do any more sports songs. If James Taylor can’t even get it right, nobody else has a chance. Let’s just all agree to stop trying, ok? Starting… now. 

james taylor 10 Of The Worst Sports Songs Ever Written

Rob Carr/Getty Images

9. “Red Hot” – Calgary Flames (1987)

While I can’t argue with the Flames’ chorus, as you really “can’t touch a flame when it’s, red hot,” I can’t agree with their awkward 40 second horn intro and choice for their lead man in this video. The video was not as well constructed as their 1986 Stanley Cup Winning team, to say the very least.

8. “New England, The Patriots, And We” – New England Patriots (1985)

Questionable grammar in the title aside, this video is just another prime example of everything wrong with music videos in the 80s. Plus, the Patriots made this video before their Super Bowl matchup against the Bears, that they lost…by a lot. 46-10 to be exact.

“The Bears are gonna get buried. New England is gonna be number one.” 

Not exactly.

7. “The Blue Wave Is On A Roll” – Seattle Seahawks (1985)

First of all, the opening sequence feels like a scene from the movie Outbreak. Nothing about this seems remotely related to football in any way and I genuinely felt like sending first aide to check on the members of the Seahawks in that locker room. Seriously, four seconds in, is this the sequel to The Shining? I don’t get it.

Then No. 55 walks in and gives a strange caress of the chin to the first player he sees before the Benny Hill music starts. This one has it all. Cheesy music, Mike Tice singing and dancing, blooper reel noises and a sax solo in a steamy locker room shower scene. Need I say more?

6. “Get Metsmerized” – New York Mets (1986)

This video is so bad it almost undoes all of the good that the Mets accomplished in 1986. It sounds like there are five completely different songs going on at once throughout this song, and none of them are good. Plus, the rhyme scheme is way more like the Mets of the early 90s – just awful.

“I live to play, and that’s my thing, this year we’re gonna win the series ring!” 

1986 mets 10 Of The Worst Sports Songs Ever Written

Allsport/ALLSPORT

5. “U Can’t Touch Us” – Miami Dolphins (1990)

MC Hammer’s awful 90s pants, a “keytar,” some awful dancing linemen and the worst opening lyrics of all time make this one an easy top five candidate.

“Miami, hits em, so hard, makes them say ‘oh my lord'” 

I’d say it’s only uphill from there but I think we all know that would be a lie.

4. “Ram It” –  L.A. Rams (1986)

Not only did “Ram It” meet every cheesy 80s music video requirement, it also checked off the “overt sexual overtones” box as well. 

Don’t believe me? Here are some of the highlights:

“I’m sure you’ll agree, ramming is fun when you ram it with me.”

“If you ram it just right, you can ram it all night.”

The defense rests.

3. “Marlins Will Soar” – Florida Marlins (Scott Stapp 2005)

Have you ever listened to a Creed song and wondered how it could get any worse? Well, wonder no more. 

stapp 2 10 Of The Worst Sports Songs Ever Written

Jason Smith/Getty Images

2. “The Packerena” – Green Bay Packers (1996)

I lived through the 90s and can say with plenty of confidence that the Macarena was one of the worst things to come out of the decade. Taking an awful song and overdubbing awful sports lyrics is not a winning formula. I don’t care what the intent was, comedic or otherwise, this is one of those that just gets worse and worse every time you hear it.

“Favre throws a touchdown and he does the Packerena, Reggie White sacks the quarterback he does the Packerena.” 

Please make it stop.

1. “Purple and Gold” – Minnesota Vikings (2010)

Prince’s ode to his favorite football team, the Minnesota Vikings, sounds like a medieval jaunt gone horribly wrong. It’s hard to believe that someone actually listened to this and told Prince it was a good idea. This song is literally the stuff nightmares are made of.

More from Bryan? You can email him or find him on Twitter @bcaltman.