By Andrew Porter

PHILADELPHIA (CBS) — Bill Simmons has been one of the Sixers’ loudest critics. He hates their “tanking” strategy, and as we know, Simmons isn’t afraid to yell about it, or anything for that matter.

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On Friday, Simmons released part one of his very popular “NBA Trade Value” column via Grantland.com. Simmons wrote about three Sixers’ players in the piece: K.J. McDaniels (who he loves), Nerlens Noel (who he doesn’t love, but has defensive hope for), and Michael Carter-Williams (who he also doesn’t love, but admits he doesn’t really know).

First, Simmons compared McDaniels to former Chicago Bulls great Scottie Pippen.

“So I will just say that McDaniels kinda sorta maybe reminds me a little bit in a roundabout way of SCOTTIE [Expletive] PIPPEN,” Simmons wrote.

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Then, Simmons compared Noel to former Sixers shot-blocker and fan favorite Theo Ratliff. Sort of.

“Noel still has a half-decent chance to become Theo Ratliff 2.0,” Simmons writes. “Or I’m drunk again. It’s one or the other.”

Lastly, Simmons compared MCW to one of the NBA’s all-time great point guards, Jason Kidd.

“He’s Michael Brick-Williams,” Simmons wrote. “The bad news: Since 1960, MCW is one of only TWO players who averaged more than 34 mpg in their first two seasons without cracking 40 percent FG or 70 percent FT. The good news? The other guy was Jason Kidd. So … I don’t know.”

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So while Simmons admitted he would have hope in the Sixers “tanking” strategy if he liked Noel and MCW more, three young players potentially turning into some form of Scottie Pippen, Jason Kidd, and Theo Ratliff sounds good to me.