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By Brian Cullen
You know what? I think sometimes athletes dress like jerks.
And understand, this is coming from me. One time, I was walking down the street, and I heard these two women talking, and one said: “There’s a difference between, like, CLOTHING and FASHION, you know?” and I (wanted to) scream “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Case in point, I think I have five shirts. And if one’s wrinkled, guess what? One of them is getting reused doing the work week. “But Brian, why don’t you just iron your shirt?” You might ask. Well, smart guy, because irons and iron boards could cost upwards of dozens of dollars, and last time I checked, I wasn’t the King of France. Wait, hold on a sec.
…turns out France isn’t a monarchy anymore. So, yeah, not me.
But, while I dress like a schlub, even I’m not silly enough to attempt these sartorial train wrecks. Here are the five worst athlete fashion decisions.
5. Metta World Peace Supports Jason Collins… in a Cookie Monster T-Shirt
Absolute silliness, right? But, it’s Metta World Peace. This is a man who legally changed his name to Metta World Peace. So, he’s already going to be kind of a strange dude. But he took his cuckoo to a whole new level shortly after Jason Collins came out of the closet.
Now, MWP announced his support of Jason Collins’ announcement, which is pretty radical. But then he announced that the reason he was wearing a Cookie Monster shirt was that people should feel free to be who they want to be. (He then followed it up by saying he was going to wear the Cookie Monster pants, but was scared that he was going to be judged, which is basically the exact opposite of everything he was saying in the first place). So, Cookie Monster t-shirt = supporting the world’s first Big 4 gay athlete. Does that make sense? In Metta World Peace’s mind, it does.
Photo Credit: David Sherman/NBAE via Getty Images
4. Russell Westbrook
Normally, I’d start that with a snazzy title like “Russell Westbrook (verbs) a (noun).” But I can’t. Because Russell Westbrook dresses like a wacky professor all the time. I don’t understand the logic here. Is he going for a Clark Kent/Superman kind of thing? If I didn’t know better, I’d say that he’s shooting for a Steve Urkel/Stefan Urquelle scenario, but that can’t work because “Russell Westbrook” is already a pretty nerdy sounding name. (Think about it. If you heard the name before seeing the man, would you think of him as a very talented basketball player, or a claims adjuster from Decatur?) Anyway. I don’t get it.
Photo Credit: Ray Amati/NBAE/Getty Images
3. Drew Gooden Wears a 7-Foot Tall Smock on Draft Day
Look at this nonsense.
NBA draft outfits are notoriously dumb, but perhaps none have been as bad as this gigantic grey dentist robe donned by Drew Gooden when he was drafted in 2002. The weirdness of the outfit is only compounded by the difficult logic behind the entire thing. Where did he find a no-button suit? Was this custom made? Why did he bother wearing a tie? And most importantly, does David Byrne know that this joke stole his oversized grey suit?
2. Clinton Portis’s Multiple Personalities Are All Awesomely Crazy
Former Redskins running back Clinton Portis frequently fielded post-game questions not as himself, but as one of a number of off-the-freaking-wall characters that he clearly cooked up without being under the influence of anything, probably.
These characters include: Sheriff Gonna Getcha, Prime Minister Yah Mon, Coconut Jones, Choo-Choo, Southeast Jerome, Dolla Bill, and my personal favorite combination of words ever: Coach Janky Spanky.
Photo Credit: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images
1. Tom Brady’s Hair
Look, I’m a Patriots fan. I love having Tom Brady be the quarterback for my favorite team, and I wouldn’t trade him for anyone. Not Brees, not Rodgers, not Peyton, and especially not Eli (grumble grumble). But if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s how fashion-forward he has to be all the time.
But Tommy Brady might never be more insufferable than when he’s showing off a new hairdo. You want proof? Here. Scroll through this page. Then vomit, and repeat.
So, there you have it. Our five least favorite athlete fashion decisions. Did we miss any? Hit us up in the comments section and let us know.
Check out more of our Top 5 Lists.
Brian Cullen never tweets about fashion @bucketcullen.