By Mike Viso
Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.
Currently, I’m getting over a meaningful but failed relationship so this column is more for than the brokenhearted than ever.
Bad timing is the cause and confusion is the reason. It’s hard to see someone that’s at a different point in their life than you are. It’s extremely difficult when you’re the person’s first love. And it’s even more difficult when you’re a scared, independent and young person. I’m no saint and this person isn’t the devil. In fact she’s wonderful but just not able to handle love. She says ever, I say right now. If you’ve seen 500 days of summer, that’s who she is. I guess that makes me Tom. So it goes.
Do you wonder if in the alternate reality that it could be? Or is it a trick of one’s own mind? I’m a hopeful romantic and I believe in love. I’m a product of a teen mother who struggled throughout my early years. Then a man entered her life who she wanted nothing to do with. Content in raising her children, she wasn’t interested. After continuous chats, she decided to give him a chance. Fast forward 20 years and they are a happily married couple who are best friends and a source of inspiration to me. Media isn’t an easy business to be in but they’ve supported me from day one and I’m eternally grateful. It’s amazing to have those types of people in your life and realize that you too could have your best friend be the person that says “good morning” and “goodnight”.
While I’m realistic and knew that marriage wasn’t even a consideration, I knew that this relationship had potential. Initially I was hesitant because of the age difference. But this girl was truly amazing. Our relationship progressed rapidly and it left both of us trying to fight the overwhelming feelings while staying in reality. However, in a world that usually is slow to develop relationships as early 20-somethings, this was different. It was great for the first few months–as all relationships are–but two strong headed people will clash and that’s exactly what happened. After a brief separation and reconnection, things were good but independence overtook. I was moving forward until several conversations led me to believe otherwise. Still very much into the relationship, I was told she was not, so I write this just 5 hours after it has all dissolved. A mixture of confusion, hurt, anger, acceptance, denial and ego have all crossed my mind. But only days, weeks, months or maybe years (god I hope not) will heal the heart and allow me to regain a friend. I harbor no ill will but use this as a lesson learned that you can’t rely on a confused mind. I don’t close any door in my life. There are people that have wronged me and I them. I’ve given and received forgiveness and I think everyone deserves that. Maybe she’ll be a friend in the future maybe not.
With the Dr. Phil moments out of the way, there’s a key to wallowing and mending your broken heart. Comfort food is always the best step after deleting contacts. The worst thing you can do is drunk dial; that leads to more problems than you can imagine. Yes, that was directed towards you. With that jab out of the way, here is a list of what I’ll be eating tomorrow night to help get over this:
Appetizer: Keep it simple and if you’ve dated someone that hates something, eat what you know they would hate. It’s therapeutic because you know you’re going to be thinking of them so you might as well say, “Well, she wasn’t going to let me eat cheese since she hates it. I might as well enjoy.” Two sliced tomatoes with sliced mozzarella cheese is the way to go. Next drizzle a little bit of olive oil on each piece and sprinkle some basil as well. Delicious and the presentation will make it look classy. Friends or no friends that night isn’t important, cooking will help clear your mind.
Entrée: Do something that reminds you of a simpler time. Maybe that’s when you were a kid, in college or whenever you can associate a good meal with a time you weren’t worrying about such things. For me it’s a mixture of home and college. My favorite food of all time is chicken cutlets. Dear God, how I do love them! I can eat them hot, cold, rubbery, nuked eight times, it doesn’t matter. I like to eat them with milk too, which I know is very weird. I like this because when I was in college my mom would always ask what I wanted when I came home for the weekend. It was always chicken cutlets with rice and beans as the occasional back up. Anyway, it’s a simple recipe: You need to crack four eggs into a bowl and beat until they become fine liquid. A cup and half of bread crumbs in another bowl is need too (you may have to add to each of these as well). I really like that Italian version of the bread crumbs, but I always add garlic powder. My new thing is to add chili powder as well. Try it, it’s pretty good. After washing your thinly sliced chicken beast in warm salt water, place them on plate and wash your hands. Salmonella is one of my biggest fears and it should be one of yours too. Next, get a frying pan and turn the heat up to full blast, wait about two minutes, turn the heat to medium and add EVOO. The oil should be close to popping immediately. Set a designated plate to the side for the chicken after it is fried. Again, do not mix raw and cooked chicken. Dip the raw chicken into the egg batter, coating both sides, shake of the excess and dip it into the bread crumbs. Coat both sides with bread crumbs and gently place the chicken into the pan. They should cook for two to three minutes on each side but always check the inside by cutting the middle with a knife. Once they get golden brown on each side place them on the plate. You can go with a myriad of side dishes. I’m a huge fan of string beans and mashed potatoes. In full disclosure: I’ve never made my own mashed potatoes so I don’t want to throw out a recipe I haven’t tried yet. As for this, alcohol must be consumed because you are going to need to unwind. I know it’s white meat with white wine but with the garlic and chili powders, you are going to have strong flavors. Plus, white wine just isn’t as good as red. You’re having a warm meal, let’s have a nice dry, sharp flavor. Go red or go home! Sorry, I meant try a merlot. Anything red is usually good, but merlot “pairs best”. I’m bold and have this amazing red cabernet sauvignon that was made by a friend so that’s my choice.
Dessert: Okay, at this point you are beat. Mentally and physically you are going to be drained from cooking, thinking about that person, playing the scenarios in your head and—if you’re like me—quoting songs like a 15 year-old girl on twitter that make you feel better. I also write poetry that I never share. Isn’t that so sexy and sensitive of me ladies!? Anywho, at this point bag it in. Finish a few glasses of win, may drink some Bailey’s and coffee (mmm, Irish Creams!) and get something from the store. I really like Ben and Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey”. Plus, chocolate is known to have a positive chemical reaction that triggers happiness.
Really though, it’s important to accept your sadness and move towards the future. You must grow, as must they. You can’t hope to be together in the future because you aren’t you and they are who they currently are. Your life experiences will dictate who you become. Sometimes these people come back into your life and sometimes they don’t. If you’re a mushy guy like me, you’ll watch a few sad, inspirational, funny, romantic type movies and pick out things that you like for each. Actually bonus part of the column!
Movies to watch when you’re sad:
“500 Days of Summer”: It makes you realize that you are going to be okay without the person and that there’s someone better along the way. Don’t wallow in your current hatred of that person because you can’t force them to feel what you do. Takeaway lines: “Summer: I woke up one morning and I just knew. Tom: Knew what? Summer: What I was never sure of with you.”
“Summer: You weren’t wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.”
“The Notebook”: I love this move because it makes you realize that you should never close any door in your life. Although, pending what side you’re on, this could be bad too. Takeaways lines:
“ Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’
Young Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?”
“Forgetting Sarah Marshall”: This fantastic movie is hilarious but also makes you realize that there are other people out there who can be more than you ever expect. You can stay hung-up crying about the one lost or you can try new things, meet new people and experience life. Life is brief, get over the mourning period and accomplish what that person was holding you back from. Takeaway Lines:
Sarah Marshall: What’s wrong with you?
Peter Bretter: Nothing is *wrong* with me.
Sarah Marshall: Okay…
Peter Bretter: Just something doesn’t feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, well did you, you know what? Did you drink today? Because sometimes when you drink…
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven’t had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so I don’t want to be around you anymore! Okay? EVER! Because you know what I just realized? You’re the devil!
“Taken”: Sometimes you need to just forget everything and get lost in something. This movie is so awesome that it makes you want to be a CIA agent and—if your mind wonders like mine—you will be engrossed in the movie. The 90 minutes away from thinking about the situation will feel like a vacation. The small increments of time not spent about that person only help you towards the next step. Takeaway Lines: Bryan: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.
Here are a few honorable mentions: “Closer”, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, “Out Cold”, “High Fidelity”, “He’s Just Not That Into you”, “Serendipity”, and “Say Anything” (I really like John Cusack). There’s a ton more that friends have suggested but that’d take all day.
The final thing I’ll leave you with is this “prayer” which has changed my life. Every person in a breakup is egotistical because we all say, “How could they not want to be with ME?!” I realize this and I teeter between confidence and self-deprecation in any situation I’m in. That’s one of my negatives. But this “prayer”, it’s really a mantra, can help you realize two things. First, is that relationships are lots of hard work and this “prayer” is completely off in the aspect that it says we have no control. Second, it’s 100% accurate in the fact that we can’t be what we think someone else needs, but rather be yourself. Meld with that person and see what you each bring to the table. It’s beautifully stupid. I love it more than I hate it because I believe in taking charge of my life, but I love it because trying to control every little aspect is another fault of mine. Read it and let me know what you think. Thank you for reading this because what started out as tears on cell phone to tears on iPod typing have turned into a smile and realization that I will persevere and I will be better off in the end. Maybe that means cutting her out of my life, maybe it means being friends or maybe she’s Allie and I’m Noah and I’ll see her in seven years. I don’t know. It’s Winter right now but there’s always a chance she’s Summer:
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.
If not, it can’t be helped.