Al Franken’s Hands Are Big Fat Idiots
By Al Franken
I have spent my life as a fierce champion for women. Meaning I vote the way progressive feminist special interest groups tell me to vote. I believe, and I’m rounding here, that I have voted with them 2000% of the time. I don’t know if that’s really a percentage. I’m no math guy which is why I am a United States Senator working on taxes and the budget. Planned Parenthood loves me. Why just the other day they said that if they actually ever helped a child survive pregnancy they would encourage that child to be named Al Franken.
They do not love my hands, however. My hands are big fat idiots. I hate my hands.
You have to understand that they are not really my hands anymore. My brain is not connected to my hands. Okay, neurologically speaking, sure, but not legally. I’m no health care guy which is why worked tirelessly to pass Obamacare. But I know the law (not really) and my hands identify as independent parts of my body. When my big fat idiot hands grab a woman’s buttocks, you must understand it is not the fault of Al Franken. My hands declared independence from me decades ago.
Did they literally file an emancipation with the courts to be free from Al Franken? Yes. And I have the court papers to prove it. My big fat idiot hands told the judge that they no longer identified as the hands of Al Franken and he granted them their freedom.
I’m just like Lincoln you see. I emancipated my own hands.
From that moment on, my big fat idiot FORMER hands took on a life of their own. Grabbing women’s buttocks at every opportunity. We would be taking a seemingly harmless picture and what do you know? My big fat idiot former hands would find their way to her perfectly round, voluptuous cheeks. I felt shame at how my former hands were behaving but could take no legal responsibility for their actions. I still can not as painful as that really must be to everyone except the progressive feminist special interests who still love Al Franken for my votes.
But the time to change is now.
To that end, I have instructed my Senate staff to sow oven mitts onto my big fat idiot hands. Oven mitts are neat because they cover the entire hand all the way up to the elbow. They will protect you from burning your hand on a hot pot, but they won’t let you get a firm grasp on a hot butt. That is why oven gloves are not an option as the fingers could allow my big fat idiot hands to subtly caress and squeeze a woman’s buttocks like a roll of Charmin. And progressive feminist champion Al Franken needs my big fat idiot hands to understand a woman’s butt cheek, no matter how voluptuous, is not a roll of paper.
The padding on the oven mitts is also essential to protecting women’s buttocks from my big fat idiot hands. The padding creates a barrier whereby my former hands will gain no such pleasure from said grabbing.
Starting today I will be known as Senator Oven Mitts because my big fat idiot hands must learn that their actions will not be tolerated. As a champion for the progressive feminist special interest agenda, I will show the world how to punish inappropriate hands with a mind of their own. Change starts with me. And my oven mitts. Take that you big fat idiot FORMER hands.
Disclaimer: This is a parody that was not written by United States Senator Al Franken. It may have been written Talk Radio 1210 WPHT afternoon host Rich Zeoli but those are unsubstantiated rumors. Either way, it’s protected thanks to that movie with Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton.