Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

Rating in Madden ‘13?

80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.

Winner 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!

Better Name?

While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.

Winner Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.

College?

Winner While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.

Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them. Winner: QB

Most Impressive Performance?

Winner In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.

It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.

Upside?

Winner All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.

While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.

Has an Awesome Pet?

Winner When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?

No.