Spike Eskin: The Former Philadelphia Athlete Championship Pain Scale (Donovan Rating)
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By Spike Eskin
PHILADELPHIA (CBS) – I’ve always liked Donovan McNabb. I still like Donovan McNabb, though he has a tendency to make it more difficult than he once did. Often times I feel like the minority by having this opinion in Philadelphia, and I understand why.
I thought of Donovan McNabb while I was watching Evan Turner play in the Sixers’ 600 point, Sunday night loss to the Clippers. I just couldn’t stand watching him play basketball anymore. It is probably unfair, and probably makes me irrationally judge him as a player (seriously though he’s not that good), but once he’s gone, I will breathe a sigh of relief. I imagine this is how many felt about McNabb, though numbers can’t express how much better McNabb is at football than Turner is at basketball (there I go again).
That is, unless, Evan Turner gets traded to the Thunder.
Or the Spurs. Or the Heat. Or the Pacers. Or any team that has a realistic shot of winning a championship this year. Watching Evan Turner win a championship, at least any time soon, would crush me a little bit (a lot).
This is my inspiration for the FPACPS (Former Philadelphia Athlete Championship Pain Scale). A numeric value placed on the amount of pain we would be caused as fans if a former Philadelphia athlete was to go on and win a championship somewhere else.
The scale is based on what I’ll call the Donovan Rating. A “1” Donovan Rating would mean it would be not at all painful, and perhaps even make you a little happy. A “10” Donovan Rating is a disaster the likes of Andy Reid signing Donovan McNabb in 2014 and leading the Chiefs to a Super Bowl win sort of disaster. The sort of thing we’d never recover from.
As an example of one that didn’t hurt too much, Shane Victorino was probably a 2 or 3 Donovan Rating.
There are two values here, my personal value (in parentheses) and what I’d guess the overall value in the city would be.
5.2 Donovan Rating (9.3)
I don’t think overall a Turner championship would be that big a deal, for a few reasons. First, I can’t imagine he’d be playing an integral role on a championship team. Second, the Sixers aren’t really top of mind in the city right now, and when this championship happened we’ll be too busy trying to chase Ruben Amaro out of town. I think the bigger issue would somehow be “how did we let this guy go?!” more than any sort of anger than Evan Turner won.
Me, it would crush. I would feel physical anguish.
2.0 Donovan Rating (1.0)
There isn’t much not to like about Thaddeus Young. There would be local criticism of trading him for whatever we got back, but it would be hard to find anyone that wasn’t at least a little happy for Thaddeus Young.
10.0 Donovan Rating (1.2)
I would leave town. I would think it was hilarious, but I would leave town for a while. I’m not sure we can handle this yet.
4.0 Donovan Rating (3.6)
Oh, wait. It’s not September yet. I’ll rewrite this then.
7.9 Donovan Rating (1.0)
Iguodala, at least according to public sentiment, became the basketball version of Donovan McNabb. It would be as crushing as any former Sixer in the NBA winning a ring.
I’m a fan, I’d enjoy it, and I’d probably get beat up because of throwing it in people’s faces on Twitter. People would reach through Twitter to strangle me.
8.0 Donovan Rating (8.7)
Remember when Jason Babin and his tribal tattoos was mad about mean things the fans screamed at him during a game? This while the team was underperforming at a level that we’ve never seen with a professional football team? I do. I remember that.
Remember when you heard that the Eagles cut Jason Babin, and how glad that made you? I do. I remember that.
Now imagine those tribal tattoos wrapped around the Lombardi Trophy.
7.1 Donovan Rating (1.0)
Though I think most of the reaction would be bad, Werth has turned into something of a super-villain around here, I do think there would be people in the city who still appreciate Werth and would be glad to see him win somewhere else, at least privately.
The problem here is that not only did he leave, he plays for a rival, and has no problem talking trash.
I miss Jayson Werth, what with his good fielding, getting on base, and beard.
7.6 Donovan Rating (2.2)
This wouldn’t go well.
6.0 Donvan Rating (6.0)
There was that time when DRC just stopped playing before the play had even ended.
Then there was that time when he did that again.
3.8 Donovan Rating (5.2)
There seems to be a pretty positive sentiment for Samuel around here. I never was a big fan, but focused most of that dislike on anyone who wore his jersey. I mean, who does that? Asante Samuel of all people.
9.3 Donovan Rating (7.8)
Every once in a while I really think about the fact that he didn’t play a minute for the Sixers, and get a little perspective on just how unbelievable that is.
He didn’t even play a minute here. Only one practice!
Elton Brand and Nick Young
1.0 Donovan Rating (1.0)
I know someone would be upset, but I will likely ignore that person(s).
2.2 Donovan Rating (1.8)
He’s a kicker.
4.3 Donovan Rating (7.8)
It would bother me more than most, because most won’t care.
Though it would bother me seeing Hawes, wrapped in an American flag, spraying champagne in the championship locker room, I would find some sort of perverse humor in watching him run backwards doing finger guns after hitting a big three in an NBA Finals game seven.
INC Donovan Scale
Come on, get real. No way Martinez plays on another MLB team. He’ll be on the Phillies for 25 more years.
A few quick ones:
Brett Myers – 5.8 (6.2)
Lou Williams – 2.0 (2.3)
James Van Riemsdyk – 5.8 (1.8)
Michael Vick (assuming he leaves) – 6.9 (1.0)
Marreese Speights – 3.8 (1.0)
Jrue Holiday – 2.0 (1.0)