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By Spike Eskin

PHILADELPHIA (CBS) – There are two ways a feature like this can go: first, it could end up being a way to talk about sports that just sort of fills time while the Phillies are mediocre, the Sixers and Flyers don’t exist, and the extent of the Eagles news amounts to what Snoop Lion thinks of the starting quarterback issue. Or, it could become a fun way to take a once a week look at Philadelphia sports that stands the test of time.

I’m betting on the former, but just about anything can happen.

With that, here you go:

5. Phil Mickelson Chokes At The US Open

Golf is so weird.

In no other sport do we see players choke so consistently, and then weep for them after it’s all over. Mickelson choked away the US Open and most golf fans seemed bummed out that Mickelson didn’t get the opportunity to win a major on his birthday. ON HIS BIRTHDAY! Like he’s nine years-old. Golf is also the only sport where your opponent can’t prevent you from doing anything you want, so if you fail, it’s on you. And oh by the way, nobody’s allowed to make any noise while they play. JD Drew is standing in right field dodging batteries but Tiger Woods is throwing a temper tantrum because another golfer reached for his phone during a backswing.

Forgive me if I’m not bummed out that Mickelson leaves Merion on his private jet with a check for $700,ooo for losing on his birthday.

And oh by the way

4. The Sixers Don’t Have A Coach

And it’s not a big deal, I promise.

Many fans seem concerned that the Sixers may go into the draft without their non-existent coach having some sort of say in who they pick. Here’s the deal, the coach isn’t picking that player. It’s not his call. At this point it’s Sam Hinkie’s world and we’re all just living in it. Worried that the coach and Hinkie will be on the same page? Don’t be. That’s probably why he hasn’t rushed out and hired anyone yet. Hinkie is going to pick the players, the coach is going to coach the players. This may be hard for Doug Collins to understand, but for you it should be fine.

3. Snoop Lion Wants Michael Vick

What wouldn’t this story be without at least one famous rapper chiming in with his opinion. The way I figure it, if I can chime in, and you can chime in, and neither of us have much experience in professional football, then Snoop also has a right. From what I understand, Mr. Lion has a bunch of experience coaching youth football, and the way the Eagles players have handled the press over the last couple of years, that seems like an apt skill to have when judging the team. Also, cheers to Snoop for making a strange Vic Damone reference.

2. Cliff Lee Wants To Stay, Sort Of

Everyone was up in arms when Cliff Lee said he wants to play for a winner. Something that you’d assume you’d want out of just about any athlete. Fans were beside themselves with glee when Lee left money on a mysterious table somewhere to have a chance to win here in Philadelphia. So why should anyone be particularly surprised that he would leave our table to want to win somewhere else?

He clarified his statement by saying he wants to win, but he wants that to be in Philadelphia. That’s all well and good, but if the Phillies aren’t winners, I’ve got to think he’d approve a trade elsewhere.

1. Ilya Bryzgalov Will Be Amnestied, Unless He Isn’t

Ilya Bryzgalov is going to be amnestied so the Flyers can give $20 million to a 35 year-old defenseman.

Ilya Bryzgalov is not going to be amnestied because Paul Holmgren told his agent he wouldn’t.

Paul Holmgren says he said nothing of the sort.

Some of the beat writers love Bryz, some of them hate him.

It’s all such a hilarious disaster, isn’t it? From a bird’s eye view, I can’t quite figure out what the problem is here. Ilya Bryzgalov has a contract that is too much money for too many years for a guy who hasn’t played well enough to warrant it. He also brings too much bad attention to the team for a guy who isn’t standing on his head (hockey cliche). He also seems to hate it here. So they should get rid of him. It’s pretty easy.

It’s not all his fault, for sure. He hasn’t played totally awful, but that’s not a reason to keep him.

Honorable mentions: Lebron’s headband, Chris Christie loves the Cowboys, and LeSean McCoy is reasonable for once.

Follow Spike on Twitter @SpikeEskin.

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