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Spike Eskin: The Philadelphia Phillies As Mad Men Characters

Jon Hamm Promote The Fifth Season Of Mad Men

By Spike Eskin

Now that the Sixers season has ended, I’ve only got two things to carry me through the summer; the Phillies and Mad Men. They’re strikingly similar in that I’m not totally sure if either is objectively any good, I just watch them because that’s what I do. I think I enjoy it, but mostly I just do it. At the end of the day I’ll either be thrilled or disappointed, but it won’t stop me from watching (even though this is by far, the best season to date … Mad Men of course, not Phillies).

So instead of taking up this space with an article about Chase Utley’s health, or why Charlie Manuel has insisted for three years to leave Joe Blanton in one inning longer than we all know he should, I decided to have a little fun.

With that, I present to you, the Phillies as characters in Mad Men:

Cole Hamels as Peggy Olson - This one hurts, so I figured I’d get it out of the way first. Cole, like Peggy, was a young, shining star for the team that gave him his first chance. He’s grown and excelled, even when he wasn’t given the credit he deserved. Here’s the part that’s going to hurt, look away if you need to. In a move that allowed her to finally be paid what she deserved, and get the credit and respect she thought necessary, Peggy Olson left Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Price, for a handsome salary and new title. How does $185 million and #1 starter sound?

Charlie Manuel as Bert Cooper – Come on, this is too easy. The boss? Check. Pretty old? Check. Everyone thinks he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but he really does? Check. Walks around at work with no shoes on? Well I don’t know if Charlie does that, but it’s fun to imagine he does.

Chase Utley as Roger Sterling – Roger Sterling isn’t what he used to be, but somehow we know he’s got just enough left to cause some trouble. The minute you count him out, is the minute he’s out to dinner with your client. And he’s sleeping with your wife. Well that’s not Chase I guess, but Pat Burrell is gone.

Ruben Amaro Jr. as Don Draper – Man, when we first met Don, he was so cool. Nothing bothered him, and he seemed to make every right move, even if it didn’t seem right at the time. The longer we know Don though, the more flaws he seems to have. We still like him, and he still runs the show, but he’s not flawless, and everyone knows it. The thing is, he doesn’t seem to know that everyone knows it.

Roy Halladay as Joan Holloway (Harris) – Roy Halladay is the “bombshell” every one is infatuated with, mysterious and always delivers. You have a really distinct impression of who he is and you’re very happy with your assessment of him, he’s comfortable to us because everyday he’s just there looking great. Now he’s hurt and you don’t know what to think about him or your feelings for him. Should your opinion change? Can you trust him? Did you under/over estimate him? Also, both red heads and have last names that start with “H” and end in “Y.”

Jimmy Rollins as Betty Draper (Francis) – We’ve all watched in horror as Betty Draper (she will always be Draper to me), has become a shell of her former self. But sometimes when we look at her, and remember the good old days, it brings a smile to our faces. Then she swings at the first pitch and pops it up and we get upset all over again.

Shane Victorino as Pete Campbell – That guy who always seems to be doing something annoying, but is too good at his job otherwise to get rid of. You’re always kind of just waiting for the negatives to outweigh the positives, but it never seems to quite get there.

Hunter Pence as Megan Draper – The minute we first saw Megan, and she became part of the family, we were infatuated. She made Don better, and everyone she worked with better. Then, the longer she stuck around, the more we saw her flaws. She was a little more insecure than we first thought. We still love her, but we know she’s not perfect.

Freddy Galvis as Michael Ginsburg – Hot-shot rookie, amazing everyone because expectations were low, and he’s performing at a high level. The question is, when the expectations are raised, will what he’s doing still be enough?

Joe Blanton as Harry Crane - No one is too sure why he’s still here. Oh, we’re paying him? Got it.

Jonathan Papelbon as Glen Bishop – Glen is a total weirdo, and barely in the show really. But when he is in the show, he’s clearly the main focus of everyone’s attention. You also get the feeling at some point, Glen’s going to play a major role.

Antonio Bastardo and Jake Diekman as Bobby and Gene Draper – Sorry, Michael Stutes. One year earlier and you could have been a Draper.

Henry Francis as Ed Wade (well, 2010 and 2011 Ed Wade) – Hey, we’re done with this, kind of want to trade up. You interested in taking this stuff off our hands?

That’s all I’ve got. A special thanks to my friend Stephen McDonald for helping me out with this, and stopping me from making one particular major mistake. Also, Roy as Joan is all his.

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